On Passwords

Passwords are hard. This from a—whatchamacallit—digital native well-used to every damn thing having one. I just have better things to use my brainspace for than storing separate strings of eight to twelve characters of nonsense for each individual website; sometimes I want to cheat and make a single super-easy one and just throw my online security to the winds. From the sheer number of articles online warning people to stop freaking using “password” as a password, I’m not the only one who has this problem.

I’ve done a bad, bad thing and started using the same password for multiple sites; not for, like, everything. Just the same one for multiple sites within the same category. Loan sites: awful password that I only remember because I hate it so much. Fun social media: easy peasy password. Lame social media: password that I only remember because it’s so damn old that it’s the only one I have like it. The actually important sites have super-secret combos that I won’t reveal unless doing so will keep the universe from imploding. And maybe not even then.  The best one I’ve ever had essentially amounted to telling the website Jesus Christ, just let me in you pair of fucking useless testicles! (Deleted the account a few years ago, so I can totally brag about my cleverness).

Don’t even get me started on passwords that expire periodically. Seriously, why is there no way to sychronize the damn things? I have four passwords to remember for work and NONE OF THEM EXPIRE AT THE SAME TIME. And they all have to be insanely complicated with capitals, special characters, numbers and the blood of an albino mountain lion.

But seriously. I’m just waiting for password requirements to start requiring a DNA sample and/or some sort of voodoo sacrifice.


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