These are things I would have texted you about had you not been off-grid for a week:
1. I am *ninja*! Just switched from one “Family Guy” episode to the next on Netflix WITH MY TOES. Yeah.
2. SO glad I decided not to speed today. I never knew cops hid on those roads; sucks for all those people I saw pulled over, tho.
3. Dear Visigoths: If you starved a city into surrendering, why, in the name of everything holy, would you get mad and sack said city when you don’t find any food in it??
4. Trying to boil pasta after chugging a bottle of Sierra Nevada is a *bad* plan. That is all.
5. Just discovered that chow mein noodles are fan-freakin’-tastic on my special pasta recipe. I am probably going to have the weirdest pregnancy cravings ever.
6. I just shocked the pants off my mother by using “bastardized” in conversation. If I’d known this, I would have used it a million times when I was feeling rebellious and trying to get a rise out of her 😉
7. So, did I ever tell you about the time that I “explored” pretty much ALL of downtown Charlotte EXCEPT the three streets I needed to get to my hotel? And by “explored,” I really mean “got hopelessly lost before stumbling onto the right street.” Stupid street closings.
8. Wow. It’s really effing hot out there. WTF, Weather?? It’s not July yet!
9. Dude! Some guy just whistled at me and then cussed me out when I didn’t immediately yell back, “Take me, you sexy He-man beast!” Jerk. I have
10. IIIIIIII have an ottoooomaannnnn!! I’ve also had two bottles of Hornsby’s with my pizza, ’cause it’s my birthday!