House Rules, Pt 4

481. Lucius Malfoy’s cane is not a “pimp cane.”

482. I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo, “How’s my Blondie-Bear?”

483. Teaching first years to chorus in unison, “The amazing bouncing ferret!” whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong. Funny, but wrong.

487. I must not sell stories to Rita Skeeter.

489. A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.

490. Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.

491. Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny.

493. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them, and I should just stop hoping.

495. Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.

497. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting, even if they want to.

500. Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.

501. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn’t written anywhere.

502. Changing the location does not make it appropriate.

503. No matter how much money I make.

504. Murmuring “I see dead people!” every time I see one of the ghosts was never funny.

505. I am not funny. No matter how much I make myself laugh.

506. Even though Voldemort does give his followers rings, he is not Captain Planet and none of the Death Eaters have powers in wind, water, earth, fire,or heart.

507. Calling Lucius Malfoy a luscious mouthful is just plain gross.

508. Especially wrong when I call him that around Draco.

509. Or Narcissa.

510. Yelling”BOO! “at Professor Moody is not wise.

512. I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco’s hands together.

513. When in the presence of the Dark Lord, I must call him The Dark Lord. Not “Snake-Face, the Dark Lord Happy Pants.”

514. Laughing at the Dark Lord’s voice is not smart.

515. Telling the Dark Lord where he can stick it is not smart.

516. No matter what I say to the Dark Lord, I will never make him laugh.

517. When surrounded by Death Eaters I will not brandish my wand like a sword and shout “Aye! Avast!”

518. Jumping up on a table during dinner and singing “La Vie Boheme” is more likely to confuse my enemies than chase them out of the Great Hall. Besides, I probably won’t have anyone else join in, which takes some of the fun out of it.

519. Attempting to sell my soul to the Dark Lord is forbidden.

520. So is selling anyone else’s soul.

521. Draco Malfoy’s name is not Westley, nor the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I should stop referring to him as such.

523. Even if he is willing to jump down a hill screaming “Aaas yoooou wiiiiisssshhhh!”

524. I am not allowed to tell the first years that Werewolves are cute and cuddly.

525. Especially when Lupin is teaching.

529. Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.

530. Especially in front of Slytherins.

531. Especially in front of Snape.

534. I am not allowed to declare “Official Hug A Slytherin Day.”

535. There is no connection between Hitler and Voldemort.

536. I will not sing “Defying Gravity” during Quidditch practice.

537. I am not allowed to teach “I Feel Pretty” to Professor Lockhart.

538. I am not allowed to sing “Angel of Music” to all the mirrors in school to see if anyone sings back.

539. I am not allowed to say “Shiiire…Baaaagiiiins…” around dementors.

542.- I am not allowed to tell first years to be my fact-checkers.

546. Luna doesn’t like it when you place her sneakers on top of doorways; it’s not amusing anymore.

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