House Rules, Pt 3

302. The house elves are not there to do my homework.

303. Neither are the ghosts.

304. I am not a magical creature.

305. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

306. I am not Voldemort’s illegitimate love child.

307. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.

310. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order “to see what happens.”

311. Grindewald is not my role model.

312. Neither is Voldemort.

313. I will not cast “Petrificus Totalus” on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

316. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

317. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

319. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other’s names.

320. I will not attempt to make Professor’s Trelawney’s predictions come true.

321. Professor Snape’s problem is not that “he needs to get laid”.

322. Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus.

325. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.

326. Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will never do it again.

327. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.

331. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

333. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

335. “OMGWTF” is not a spell.

337. Shouting “Accio Dobby!” is not the proper way to ask for house-elf assistance.

338. I will not go into Dumbledore’s pensieve looking for faculty smut.

339. It is not necessary for me to yell “BURN!” every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

340. “Defying my will” is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.

341. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is “pretty much forgivable.”

343. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintball.

344. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming “I’m melting! I’m meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!” while they are in the showers.

346. I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall’s class.

347. I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

349. I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them.

352. I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor McGonagall.

354. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house, is forbidden.

356. I will not tell first years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl.

357. I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.

359. Singing “Wild Thing” whenever I see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.

360. I must stop telling first years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

361. I am not to “walk on water” in front of muggles.

362. I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.

363. I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other people to call “Ni!” from various directions.

366. Watching “The Food Network” is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.

367. Pinning Confederate flags to the backs of Death Eater masks is not wise.

368. Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial.

369. Or as the ‘before’ for a line of cosmetics.

370. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, “Avada Kedavra” does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

371. The ceiling of the Great Hall would not look better as an Omni IMAX dome.

372. Calling Voldemort “Baldemort” is inappropriate.

373. When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is “42”.

375. Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is dumb.

376. So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could pet them.

377. Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

378. I am not a Heffalump animagus.

379. I cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

380. Mr. Weasley’s flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape’s classroom.

381. I cannot charm all dictionaries to have: “Gryffindor” as the definition of “gullible.”

382. Professor Snape’s proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.

383. Robes are not optional.

384. Announcing “Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!” is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

387. Leaving mash notes signed “Your secret admirer, Harry” in Neville Longbottom’s books is both unfunny and cruel.

391. Asking the Weasley twins, “So do you do everything together?” is ill advised.

392. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff is not advisable.

394. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

399. I am not a Balrog animagus.

400. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge’s sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

401. I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form.

403. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.

405. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

406. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they deserve it.

407. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.

409. Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.

410. Neither is Dracula.

411. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of an argument.

412. If I even look like I might sing “I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves” I will be Obliviated.

413. Using the “Petrificus Totalus” curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means I should watch my back until June.

414. Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.

415. If Lee Jordan was there, too, I’m going to need a bodyguard.

417. I will not tell first years that “any true wizard or witch” can see Thestrals, and that if they can’t they “obviously aren’t cut out for this school.”

418. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful at a time.

419. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

420. I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.

422. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

423. Likewise, I will not tell first year Muggle-borns that Pokemon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum.

424. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.

426. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of “Batman and Robin.”

427. Telling Draco Malfoy to “make like a ferret and bounce” is always a bad idea.

428. “The Crucible” is not summer reading for History of Magic, and I should not tell first years that it is.

429. “You might be a Pureblood if…” jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

430. I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.

431. However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

432. The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

433. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing “Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical”, I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

434. I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he does look good in tap shoes.

436. Transfiguring Draco Malfoy’s uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.

437. Especially if he’s wearing it.

438. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as “Bulk and Skull”.  “Dumb and Dumber” is equally inappropriate.

439. I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as “Team Rocket.”

440. Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate subject for a Muggle Studies essay.

442. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle’s first names are, respectively, Draco, Vincent and Gregory, not Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

445. The song “Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead” is never, ever appropriate.

446. “Springtime for Voldemort” is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

449. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.

450. This goes double for superglue.

451. I am not to dance naked in the great hall.

452. Or on the grounds.

453. Generally, dancing naked is not allowed.

454. Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.

455. While in the company of goblins, I must not demand that I be taken to Jareth.

456. Nor shall I tell them “You remind me of the babe.”

460. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus’ Animagus form.

461. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, “If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?”

462. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

463. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

464. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.

465. I will not ask Dobby if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.

469. I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and Magenta.

470. Especially to their faces.

471. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin’s office door.

475. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them “With Love, Draco Malfoy” is not appropriate.

476. Neither is signing them with: “I had a great time last night, XO–Argus Filch.”

477. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.

478. Especially if the song is “I Feel Pretty”

479. Or “I’m Too Sexy”


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