House Rules, Pt 2

203. I do not have a Cyberman Patronus.

204. I am not a Wirn animagus.

205. I will not ask Aragog if he came from Metabelis III.

206. Or if he has any pretty blue crystals.

207. “Nessie is actually a cyborg created by the Zygons” is not an appropriate thing to say in Care of Magical Creatures Class.

208. While it is appropriate to refer to Voldemort as “Master” while in his service, Voldemort and The Master are not one and the same.

209. I cannot substitute Prydonian robes for my Hogwarts uniform.

211. I cannot attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

212. Or transform a pepperpot into a Dalek.

213. Lucius Malfoy is not my “sugar daddy” and I will not claim he is.

214. That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.

215. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle car (especially a Delorean DMC).

216. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career choice.

217. I will not levitate anywhere in a big pink bubble.

218. My professors have neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

219. No part of the school uniform is edible.

223. I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as “Mum”.

224. Nor Professor Snape.

225. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

226. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Prefects.

227. I am not allowed to use silencing charms, period.

228. I will not prophesy the end of the world more than once.

229. I will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.

230. Especially not if I actually have them.

231. Madame Hooch’s name is just that: a name. I will not ask her to share.

233. I will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.

234. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

235. I will not charm Hermione’s time turner to rotate every half-hour.

236. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

237. I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Dracos forehead.

240. Singing “99 Bottles of Potion on the Wall” nonstop or repeatedly will result in a detention.

241. Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies.

242. Woad and other camoflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.

243. I may not challenge prefects to meet me on the Quidditch field at dawn.

244. I should not throw Fanged-Frisbees in the Great Hall.

246. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.

250. Teaching exchange students to taunt other Hufflepuffs is not nice.

251. When detained by dementors, I do not have a right to a strip search.

252. Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.

256. I will not hand red shirts to the new DADA professor and claim that they’re the standard uniform for the position.

257. I will not use invisibility charms on anyone’s clothing.

258. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan’s nose.

260. I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape’s drink with them.

261.  Especially not all of them at once.

262. I will not try to hock my old piercings as “priceless Muggle artifacts.”

263. I will not claim that my X-Files tapes are “Auror Training Videos.”

265. The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as ‘my lord Cthulhu’, nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.

266. I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower.

267. Likewise, no satellite dish.

270. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

272. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as “Galadriel.”

273. Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as “Haldir.”

274. Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as “Spock.”

275. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin’s Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

277. I am not to sing “We’re off to see the Wizard!” when sent to the Headmaster’s office.

278. I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as back-up singers.

279. Especially not with kazoos.

280. The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.

282. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce “These are not the droids you are looking for.”

285. I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.

286. I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.

289. Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as the “Dungeon Master.”

290. I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.

291. Or Wicca.

292. This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.

293. I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.

294. Or the referee.

295. I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperius curse.

296. I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum.

297. I will not give people Veritaserum.

298. The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.

301. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.


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